Relationship and Sex Toys: How Does It Work?

Partner sex can be made more enjoyable by incorporating sex toys into the mix.

Toys can do things that our bodies cannot like vibrate and pulse. Many people can have more frequent, intense, and consistent sex experiences. The sheer number of options can allow couples to keep their sex interesting and varied, which will help them maintain long-term relationships.

It sounds great, right? However, even though taboos about using sex toys are slowly disappearing, Aleece FOSnight says that many people still have reservations about bringing a toy with them to bed.

Why should we stop when using sex toys together?

Fosnight explains that the hesitation is often due to persistent beliefs that toys can only be used for one person, while sex involves two people sharing their every need and desire with their bodies.

Marketing toys as substitutes for missing partners or solutions to sexual problems is not helpful, says Amy Boyajian, toy manufacturer and retailer Wild Flower. This leads people particularly straight cis men to see toys as a threat to their sexual performance or as a source of sexual competition. They aren’t. Gretchen Leigh is a sex educator working with She Bop. She says that people worry about being strange. So, rather than trying to change the situation, they “assume this is what this person enjoys in sex” and keep it that way.

How to have the sexy conversations you want — and even better sex!

It doesn’t have to be difficult or daunting to talk to your partners about sex toys. The Mashable team recently shared some key tips and tricks with a half-dozen sex educators and counselors.

Take into account the timing

Experts say that one of the most common mistakes when trying to introduce toys is to try to whip your partner during sexual sex with mens sucking toy. Boyajian warns that if you don’t know your partner well enough to make them feel comfortable and enjoy surprises during sex it can lead to anxiety and pressure, which could create conflict or insecurities.

Instead, you should set aside some time for sex to talk about how toys can be brought into your play. It’s simple to do in a new relationship, says Carol Queen. This is when you can start to talk openly about sexual preferences. Talking about sexual preferences requires a certain level of vulnerability, which not everyone is comfortable with. Even those who feel comfortable with it may not be able to talk about toys in the early stages.

That’s okay. Talking about sex toys is not the right time for a couple to do so. You can bring up toys after you have had open conversations for months or years about your sexual desires and needs. Toys can be a great way to start a deeper conversation if you have never had one like this. Fosnight suggests framing the conversation as something you came across in an article, online chat, or a conversation with a friend.

Do not criticize or excuse.

It doesn’t matter how you start the conversation. Try not to make a connection between your toys and your frustrations with the sex that you are having. This will expose any underlying fears your partner might have.

Do not apologize for your desires or be afraid to express them. This can lead to anxiety and stress on both the one or both of you. Boyajian suggests that instead of “coming from a position of exploration”, Boyajian recommends, where sex toys can be one of many exciting things you and your partner can explore together in order to find new ways to enhance your sex lives. Leigh points out that most people want their partners to enjoy sex and are willing to look for more pleasure.

Do not force the idea

Don’t force sex on your partner if they aren’t open to discussing the idea or talking about it. Jenniskyler, a sexologist working with Adam & Eve suggests that you talk to your partner about the idea, and then find ways to resolve any concerns or stigmas they might have about toys or sex.

Open to exploring the possibilities

If your partner is interested in exploring the potential for toys, don’t dictate what it will look like. Talk about what you enjoy and what you’re interested in exploring. Also, talk about how toys could be integrated into your sex. Encourage one another to think beyond genital stimulation. Discuss how your ideas differ and overlap. You can then dive deeper into toys once you have a better understanding.

Your partner or you may have a few toys that you enjoy playing with alone. Fosnight suggests that the partner who has the toy should bring it to bed at a set time. Then, they should demonstrate how it works on their own. Next, Fosnight suggests that the partner guide their partner verbally or physically to help them use the toy with or on the other.

It is possible to also explore new toys together to find the right combination for your relationship. Boyajian suggests that you make toy shopping and research a couple’s activity. This will allow for intimacy, mutual excitement, and expectation. Leigh warns against falling for the trap of only looking at toys that are marketed to couples. There are many guides available online, some of which have been endorsed by sexual health professionals. She explains that they are not guaranteed to work better than other toys for couples.

Many toys are based on assumptions about the anatomy of their users and aim to stimulate both. A single stimulation is unlikely to work for both people. Many people enjoy watching their partner play with a toy or engaging in mutual masturbation with two toys — even more than the two-party stimulations available.

Take precautions

Leigh emphasizes that any toy could be used as a partner’s toy. The selection of toys can seem overwhelming, given the sheer number of options available. Remember that there is no rush. You can take your time and explore all your options. Talk to friends, experts and read toy reviews. Once you have made a decision to buy toys, look into different ways to use them.

There are official guides that show how to use different toys with couples. Boyajain emphasizes that as long as you are safe (e.g. not placing toys without a flared base on your anus, and using plenty toy safety lube when insertive play occurs), then you can make the rules. If it feels good, it is right for you!

Have fun!

Skyler says, “Be open to laughing at the toy and yourself” because sometimes your experiments won’t work out. This can be frustrating as toys are not cheap. However, you can find useful guides online that allow for functional, safe toys that are both body-safe and fun.